Woo hoo! This is a guest post from good friend Single Girl, an expert in sharing witty commentary on dating and relationships in today’s culture. You can read more of Single Girl’s writing by visiting and subscribing to her blog, Stay Away From Tools.
Do you know who Clark Warren is? I’ll give you a minute. Go ahead. Google it even.
Yes, he is the founder of eHarmony.com and also the creator of the infamous eHarmony questionnaire that tries to match couples based on similar interests, values, and all that hubbub.
Here’s a fun fact; Did you know that on average, 236 eHarmony members marry every day which accounts for 2% of U.S. marriages? I tried to find the divorce rate of those members but was sadly, unsuccessful.
The purpose of the introduction to Mr. Warren is a recent piece of information that he shared about compatibility. Chew on this:
“A couple needs to be within one standard deviation of each other in intelligence” (that’s 10 points in either direction for all you non-brainiacs out there).
That explains why my ex-boyfriend of 6 years didn’t last. Well that, and his unique ability to lead a double life for 5 1/2 of those years. But I digress…
So how do we define intelligence?
Psychology Today says that “reading a road map upside-down and generating synonyms for the word “brilliant” are two very different skills but each is a measurable indicator of general intelligence”.
On my most recent road trip with a great love, we struggled to navigate the streets of Central America in an economy grade 4WD and me, a (sort of) bilingual city girl. Did our inability to “gire a la izquierda en la tienda” lead to the demise of our relationship only months later? Or were we just two directionally challenged lost gringos?
I discovered the other day that exercise is the only thing that builds brain cells. But once we build them, is it a case of “if you don’t use it, you lose it”? Or can I simply run 26.2 and be the next Albert(a) Einstein (think less mustache, more make-up, and a slightly sexier lab coat).
If this is in fact true, that compatibility lives within one standard deviation of intelligence, then I say all future prospects must submit to me an IQ test and scores.
I declare that our compatibility is found in simpler things like our core values, an outlook on life, our ability to love and perhaps most importantly, our willingness to communicate… everything.
Perhaps my true loves intelligence is within two standard deviations of mine (gasp!) and we’ll never experience joy because Dr. Warren says we’re just not a fit. For shame!
The more peculiar thing is that I tried eHarmony for a month or so. I met a very nice person who turned out to be looking for very different things and our standard deviation becomes exponentially larger than I had ever imagined.
I have to believe that my future love is not dependent on meeting the guy that can read maps.
And if I’m wrong about all of this? Then your ability to know if a train leaves from station A headed to station B with 100 gallons of gasoline will arrive before dinner time is imperative to the success of our courtship, our engagement, and ultimately our love.
And if you’re interested in testing my theory, please rearrange the following letters to make a word and choose the category in which it fits: RAPETEKA
a. city
b. fruit
c. bird
d. vegetable
(It took me 17 seconds.)
What’s your take? Can we find an ideal relationship through innovative technology and intuitive formulas or does it just take being available and open to the people we meet?
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it takes so much more than compatibility to make a relationship successful. You can put two people who, on paper, appear to be highly compatible together, but if they don’t (a) feel some sort of connection (I really dislike using that word in this context, but it seems to work here) and (b) genuinely want to develop a relationship, then it just won’t work. Now, I get the argument that if people are signing up to these websites then they satisfy criterion (b), however I’ve also heard the stories about people who signed up for dating websites out of sheer curiosity alone (some of whom were already in apparently committed relationships, with no intention of leaving that relationship). I understand the need to connect (there it is again) with likeminded people in order to try to form a meaningful relationship, but honestly I think you’re better off joining a club, a sports team, a group that pursues your hobby, or relying on the old faithful of finding someone within your group of friends / colleagues etc rather than going online. Just my experience.
Topi
Hey Topi – I think you’re spot on (in my opinion and from my experience). I am of the opinion that one needs to pursue the things they love and be open to what comes from there – one is already starting on some type of common, shared interest and there is human, in-person connection immediately. I can also see how perhaps people that are more shy are now using dating sites to get out there – for them, this could be a big step forward where in-person social forums don’t work for them as a starting point. But yes, overall, I agree that it takes way more than compatibility…thank you for your thoughtful comment!
Thanks for the mention! We appreciate it. Our founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, did find through extensive research on thousands of happy married long-lived couples that they all shared certain key dimensions of compatibility. That’s why we feel that it’s important to make the compatibility levels a given through the matching.
Regardless, we would certainly agree that you can’t assume a “match” is “the One” for you because they were matched with you on eHarmony. That’s why we provide all the deal-breaker questions in the Guided Communication process. No less important than compatibility is that two people discover that they share mutual chemistry. Sometimes it takes being open, being patient, and being willing to search for the soul mate who will make you happy in the long run.
If you have any questions about eHarmony, I’d like to invite you to follow me on Twitter @eHarmony_Jack. Cheers!
Hey Jack! So great of you to comment and give us additional insight. My thought on online dating is that there might be users (ehem, my friends) who rely on it as the only source or definitive means of finding someone, perhaps to the detriment of being open in everyday life. I think it’s all about just putting out the energy of what you want, regardless of the means, but recognizing the benefits and limitations of all the methods. My best friend is getting married to her eharmony match in September! We can’t wait!
Hi Laura, I just got back from San Antonio where I watched my brother, the most difficult man to please, marry my new sister-in-law, an angel that I would have sworn has fallen from the sky, except they met on eHarmony.com. I for one am truly grateful for this wonderful match-making process…..This is one of the many relationships that I know about from eHarmony. Thanks for shedding more light on its origins. On another note, I read in Dan Brown’s latest book that meditation builds brain cells, rejuvenates old ones and creates new energy in our brain…..Who knows? Maybe this super subtle form of “exercise” will grant us a few new cells too ;)!
Hi Farnoosh! That’s wonderful about the wedding! My friend is getting married to her eharmony match in September. In my mind, I think online dating can make good sense – I’ve seen friends use it though as more of a “lifesaver” rather than a tool – otherwise, I’m all for it! Great insight on Dan Brown’s book on meditation as well – I keep trying for 10 mins a day – and am now up to the full 10 without my thoughts skipping everywhere! I’m off to a yoga/meditation retreat next week so hopefully I’ll get some good practice. Hope you are doing well!
Hey Laura, I met my husband online…not through e-harmony. 3 years ago almost to the day. We are most definitely within 1 SD –IQ wise. So I support your theory on intelligence and love. A great book that i think sums up my theory on it, is Getting the Love you Want, by Harville Hendricks. in short, he talks about how we have parts of us we are looking for a partner to finish, parts that our parents began, but failed at. Usually when we find a partner, there is enough of our parents in them, to give us hope that they will be the one that will finish the job. That book alone, has changed the way I look at relationships.
A
Hey Ashley! I haven’t yet read that book – but as an avid reader, I will definitely check it out – and thank you for the summary. Aah, now that I think about it, so true about our parents hard-wiring us a bit in terms of how we relate (probably even with our close friends), even if it’s not something we’re consciously aware of. Thanks again for your thoughtful comment!
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